Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, author, clinical psychologist and mom of four, joins the podcast to discuss the difference between healthy striving and unhealthy perfectionism, and why the most capable kids are often the ones most frightened about failing academically.

The most capable students are usually the ones most frightened of failing. To an outsider, this student may look incredibly accomplished. But their parents might see someone who frets over the smallest mistake or gets extremely anxious before a test. 

In this episode, Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, author, clinical psychologist, and mom of four, explains why gifted students tie their worth to their accomplishments and how to temper that perfectionism.

Perfectionism’s Ties to Worth 

Success is almost always tied to good feedback from teachers and parents. So it’s no wonder why a high-performing student would associate success with worth. The problem with this association, however, is that when a student fails or feels inadequate, they’re left feeling worthless. This is something a great problem solver must overcome.

A good feedback loop isn’t the only reason these students struggle with anxiety and depression. According to Eileen, it’s a myriad of internal and external aggressors that bring about this unhealthy perfectionism, including:

• Inherent temperament from birth 
• External experience 
• Parental interference
• Peer interference

Let’s say a fourth grader who usually gets near perfect scores just received a failing grade on an exam. The feedback loop is shattered, classmates reinforce the idea that the student will now fail at life, parents project their anxieties, and the student now thinks of what their life will look like moving forward, compared to those hypothetical students that didn’t fail their exam who now have a forever advantage. 

Luckily, life doesn’t work this way. Yes, performance matters, but instead of hyper focusing on one test as a parent, it’s important to broaden that view. Yes, they might’ve failed that test, but that doesn’t mean they cannot recover or meet the goals they had before. 

Failing also gives a student the chance to problem solve a stressful situation — something they’ll need to do often in the real world. 

Choosing Healthy Striving Over Unhealthy Perfectionism

Performance is just one facet of a well-lived life. While it’s important, it alone can not lead to success. In actuality, the stress of performing perfectly and consistently will be a student’s biggest barrier in achieving any sort of long-term goal. 

Achieving a goal is actually in spite of perfectionism. Eileen explains the ways perfectionism can get in the way:

• Beginning a project: The anxiety to be perfect will inhibit the student's ability to start.
• Killing creativity: Creativity is about exploring every path available. This often means making mistakes, which the student is unwilling to do. 
• Finishing a project: Because the project must be perfect, the student is never satisfied with the final version.

In perfectionism’s place, healthy striving must be solidified. This gives the student a feeling of energy: It’s enjoyable, chosen, and optimistic. So, while effort is still involved in either a perfectionist or striving approach, the latter won’t lead to anxiety and depression. 

Helping Students Reach Their Potential 

You want your student to succeed. But knowing when to push them and when to stop can feel impossible to gauge. As challenging as it is to accept, the student is the only person that really knows how far they can go. 

What can you do to help? Stop putting emphasis on performance and start equipping your student for a lifelong journey of social and emotional challenges — an approach that will help them achieve a life that's meaningful and satisfying to them. 

One way to equip your student is to help them understand what a “task-irrelevant” thought is.

Imagine two students take a test and both get stuck on the first question. The first student begins to think about all the events that will take place if they fail, such as not getting into a good college and ending up poor. The second student recognizes that they don’t know the answer, but starts thinking through a process of elimination based on what they do know about the question. 

Failure is an important part of the learning process. Without it, creativity fails and the student may fear leaving their comfort zone to try new activities. While a parent can push them to the best of their abilities, they must also listen closely to the student to make sure the path followed is one they want to pursue. 

Guest Links 

• Eileen Kennedy-Moore, PhD
• Smart Parenting for Smart Kids
• Moody Moody Cars
• Open Door for Parents

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‍This episode was brought to you by Art of Problem Solving, where students train to become the great problem solvers of tomorrow. 

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